Asshat Report

There are bad writers. There are bad sports writers. And then there is the woeful Dave Feschuk.

His formula is simple.

1. Something happens
2. Feschuk hates it; worst thing ever
3. Feschuk liberally sprinkles positively entombs his article with the kind of bad pun dust you’d find in the staff newsletter of a small accounting firm.

Here’s what Toronto’s own Debbie Downer has to say about the latest Raps trade, which among other things moves disgruntled point guard TJ Ford for 6 time all-star (albeit injury prone and also often disgruntled) Jermaine O’Neal:

Does O’Neal get them to the second round? His health’s a bigger question mark than Ford’s, and he’s a worse teammate than Nesterovic with, recent returns suggest, only marginally better stats. Even if he’s better than that, remember Colangelo’s vision of the Euro-tinged, 100-shots-a-night Raptors? Now they’ll indulge O’Neal’s painfully deliberate, averse-to-contact post game. If you thought Ford was a chemistry problem, wait until Jer-mine goes without his touches.

Dave, it’s not that I even disagree with you. It’s just that you are a really, really bad writer.

Also, I think you are kind of sad. If you need a hug or something, I’m here for you - but only to tell you that you should go get a hug from someone that would actually give you a hug. I wouldn’t come near you - your energy sucks, dude!

For those of you can stand it, read the “analysis” here.

Or click here for a precis of Feschuk’s latest tirade in particular, and his career in general.

Person Debbie Downer

Right click for SmartMenu shortcuts